This Love Thing
It was a beautiful Wednesday morning in April… one of those days when the sun was bright but not hot, as it gently illuminated the sky almost like someone took a paintbrush and playfully stroked the sky while lost in their thoughts.
The wind tousled our hair, flowers on the sidewalk bloomed, and the birds were chirping happily to the tune in my head; it was almost like mother nature made the day for us.
My mo (as I fondly called him) and I walked hand in hand, basking in the beauty of the Changi airport while waiting for our boarding time. We had a thing for checking in at least 45minutes before any of our flights just so we could take in the sights of whatever airport it was.
He gently squeezed my hands every 5 mins or so, and each time my insides felt like the waterfall we had just walked past with the smile on my face as wide and deep as that of a fat kid seeing a chocolate ganache cake drizzled with caramel and a side of ice-cream for the first time.
I was in heaven…..
He had proposed the night before most intimately with the most beautifully cut GIA-certified 4-carat black diamond ring. I hadn’t fully gotten over the vacation yet where he had taken me to watch the trumpet trees bloom because he thought they were cherry blossoms (A++ for effort), and here I was, staring at what would have been my dream engagement ring (if I had dreamt of an engagement ring).
We boarded, and I snuggled close to him, replaying vacation memories while thinking of how I would dramatically share the news with the family.
“Babe,” his voice pulled me back to reality… “Let’s make the announcement together on Sunday.”
In my head, I’m thinking, why do we have to wait so long? but then, Sunday is just a few days away, besides we would still be engaged so, it won’t make a difference.
“Ok,” I replied.
It’s Friday night Mo and I were having our usual late-night bants, but he seems distracted.
“Mo: Mi Preciosa (He only called me that when he had a lot on his mind)
Me: What’s wrong mi amor?
Mo: I am not sure how to say this or how you would take it
Me: (Laughs) You know it’s a no-judgment zone here spill it however
Mo: (sighs) I’m getting married tomorrow
Me: huh tomorrow ke, did you tell them behind my back? ahhhhhhh slyyyyyy. You should have told me an haba, I never planned for a surprise wedding this guy, what is all this? Why would you even do that?
Mo: Babe
Me: Yes now, this is rubbish You said we shouldn’t say anything till Sunday, and you told them. that’s not fair
Mo: Babe
Me: Don’t babe me
Mo: I didn’t tell them
Me: So all of us are having a surprise wedding, Mofesola, where have you heard this been done? How do you surprise the bride and family at the wedding?
Mo: Babe
Me: What am I going to wear? How would I know if I like the dress? or wait first, is it the court wedding?
Mo: TANI
Me: WHAT?
Mo: I am getting married like I am, not we are. I am marrying someone else.
Me: WAIT, WHAT?
Have you ever been the last to leave at an amusement park and watched them turn off the lights? That’s exactly how I felt. Lights out…. All the butterflies at the exposition just dropped dead.
Five minutes of awkward silence, I had no idea I was out and still holding on to the phone for that long.
Mo: Are you there?
Me: Yes
Mo: And?
Me: And what?
Mo: You didn’t give me a response
Me: What am I supposed to say?
Mo: Anything, just say something
Me: When do you want your ring back, and where do I send it to?
Mo: I don’t want it
Me: So is it like pension or gratuity? Is that what that whole vacation was? Was it like a goodbye Tani thanks for your service type thing? Why did you propose to me if you were getting married? I MEAN, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU PLAN A WHOLE ASS WEDDING, AND I HAD NO IDEA? Mofesola, you can kill somebody. In fact, I want to believe you have. Because how do you have another whole relationship. We have been together for 2 years. When did you have the time to be in another functioning relationship? Did you split vacation time between us? How were you always with me and with her too? I mean, we see almost every day abi? We have long conversations. Like we talk, or am I making this up? Did I do something at some point? In fact, don’t answer any of that. Are you being serious? Tell me it’s a joke, like late April fools or something
Mo: It’s not a joke babe and you are not making any of it up. It’s not even about that, I don’t even love her, I love you, it’s just…
Me: The hosts of heaven in association with awon aye will jointly punish you. Wait first, how long have you been seeing her?
Mo: Babe
Me: You even have the audacity to babe me. You know what, send me an email or something.
*Call ends*
No one ever tells you that heartbreak feels like chains are tied to your chest and constantly being tugged. That air feels like shuriken blades rotating through your body at maximum speed. You think you have it together, and then you are crying while making indomie or sobbing inexplicably in the corner of your room.
You temporarily forget how to live while having a non-consensual relationship with food with varying episodes of a sob, rage, and despair. But then one day, it starts to feel better. You don’t have to remind yourself to breathe. You start to fall in love with the sweet-savory aroma of food again.
It’s been six months, and my therapist says healing is a continuous process. Not repressing my feelings helps with my anxiety and depression. I won’t say life is 100%, but it is better than it was in April.
Xoxo
Peace and red wine
